What am I doing is a question I ask myself often. Equally as often, I don’t readily have an answer. I tend to know more about what I am not doing rather than what I am doing. I am not pursuing things that interest me. I am not enjoying myself as much as I’d like. I am not fully leaning into and listening to myself as much as I should. If that is the case, then why am I writing this? Frankly, I don’t fully know. Besides this overwhelming urge to begin writing and a website name in my head, there isn’t any other reason as to why.

Having written that though, I realize the statement isn’t entirely true. Why would I start writing on a website without a clue as to how to go about creating or managing one? Without knowing who my “audience” is or what my “niche” is? (Apparently, knowing those two things is highly important…) Without having a single product to sell or direct solution for a problem my aforementioned unknown audience may or may not have? Without having taken any grammar or writing classes since dropping out of university? The ‘why’ is because I am tired of the known and am more interested in the unknown at the moment. The known has become boring, predictable, and more than a little deadening, if I am fully honest. Some bit of me, a bit until recently I didn’t even realize existed, is dying a slow, utterly sad death. Usually, I am quite alright with it, but here of late, I am increasingly aware of the bit who is screaming to be let off the tether. The bit which feels there is more to life than what I am currently living. Maybe I have always been vaguely aware of this bit’s existence, but I spent so long ignoring it that it hushed up rather than get rejected by me…again. Getting it out of my head and onto a random site on the internet is the direction is in which I am being led and, at this point in my life, I am just this side of crazy enough to do it. 

I am doing something which simultaneously makes me nervous and excited. By nature, I much prefer a charted map with the exact points, steps, and accompanying times tables, thankyouverymuch. A colorful legend off to the side along with the lovely, little North, South, East, West compass in the bottom corner; but, alas, this is not one of those times in my life. It has recently come to my attention that for God/the universe (whoever/whatever it is for you) to meet me in the unknown I have to take the first step. This is one of those times. As such, I will do it with verve, fear, and questioning what it is I am doing. Step in with little know-how and be open to learning along the way. Launch out into the unknown before I feel ready. It occurs to me that times like this aren’t as few and far between as my mind would have me think, but are rather quite constant. Those times occur with every new job, interest, hobby, or person. Any curiousity of sorts. Yes, there are many resources available for me to have charted out a map for this precise endeavor, but doing so was impeding my taking this first step. So here it is – the first blog post of this blog; the first step into the unknown. Do I care if this is successful in the traditional way success is measured? At the precise moment of this writing, the answer is not really. Yes, it sounds nice to have more financial/time freedom, but I now care more about overcoming my self-imposed limitations, seeing where I am self-sabotaging to push back, and clearing up the internal over appearing great in the external; doing sh*t that scares me (thank you @kacierose_ on Instagram). Would I spit at that form of success? Hardly. The motivations have changed for me though and I am simply following those now.

Until next time,

Rah