Moving Forward

A deceptively simple concept. For me, the difficulty comes in due to denying, feeling guilt, and/or telling myself I want one thing when I really want another.

Wanting Is Not Ungrateful

I have long viewed wanting something different from what I currently have as wrong. My thinking associates it with being ungrateful. Needs are acceptable, but wants? Those were a big no-no. This applied to various things ranging from silly to weighty. Want new clothes? Yes. You should be grateful you have nice, weather-appropriate clothes. Don’t be vain. Want more rooms in the house or a more efficient layout? Yes. How dare you want that. You should be grateful you even have a safe place with a roof over your head! You get the picture.

Due to this thinking, a fun space in my brain began to make every want into a need. As one can imagine, this was problematic. Struggling with being ungrateful whenever I wanted something that didn’t fall under the “need” category, I denied wanting anything.

Wanting Is Not Mean

When I want something different out of the people in my life, personal and professional, it makes me feel mean and causes guilt. To my mind, wanting in these areas seems to imply that the people involved somehow lack and that I am wrong for even thinking it. Especially when I know the people involved are good and aren’t intentionally withholding. 

Wanting Is Honest

My brain likes to morph what I genuinely want into a more “suitable” want. Example: I want a Range Rover. I have wanted one since I was a small child. Throughout my adulthood, though, I have attempted to pretend I do not really want one. It is impractical for my needs, guzzles gas, costs an annual salary that most people dream of, et cetera. A Toyota Highlander or a Honda Pilot is much more appropriate and practical. By putting parameters on it and trading it for a more “acceptable” option, I am being dishonest with and diminishing myself. 

The Crux

What does all of that have to do with moving forward? Any forward trajectory cannot happen when a person does not acknowledge, feels bad, and/or is dishonest with themself about what they want. A semblance of moving forward could occur, but it will be so bogged down by denials, guilt, and deception it will run the risk of doing more harm than good. Starting small by allowing yourself to want something with honesty and without parameters is a solid first step.

If you want a fulfilling career and your current job is good without many complaints but is not fulfilling, that is allowed. If you want your partner to be more playful, it doesn’t mean your partner is awful or unthoughtful; it is merely something you like. If you want a house in Hawaii with thousands of square feet, up in the hills, panoramic views of the ocean, with only a couple people living there, that is fine too! 

There is a right way to bring these things up with those in your life and walk them out. It will be different for each person, so ask yourself the best way to do so for your specific situation. Don’t go scorched earth with yourself or others. That is rarely necessary (ask me how I know). Simply begin with a clear, honest assessment of what you truly want and how that affects those around you. The next step to rightly moving forward will become more apparent without the guilt and denial clouding the decision-making. 

Until next time, 

Rah